it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
