True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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