you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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