i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
