I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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