He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
