Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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