You work out of a Hotel?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sext me about skeletons
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
