looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
