You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
