I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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