I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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