I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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