Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
