I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
