So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
