If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize