I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
