Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
