btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
