Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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