I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
