my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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