before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
