Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
