I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
