3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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