Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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