I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
