You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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