They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize