i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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