sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
