i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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