Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
