so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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