Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
