you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
