the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize