Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
