I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
