um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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