Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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