She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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