The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
