i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
