she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
