Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
