Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
