there's paper in my vomit.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
