It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
