if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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