smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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