I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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