Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
