When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
