You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
