there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
