my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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