I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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