He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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