My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
