The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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