can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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