note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
