i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize